Your Joy Has a Style: Why Joy Doesn’t Look the Same for Everyone
You’re not doing joy wrong. You may simply be trying to recognize it in a form that isn’t the most natural for you.
One of the biggest misunderstandings about joy is that it should look a certain way.
Big smile. Bright energy. Spontaneous fun. Arms in the air. Maybe a field of wildflowers and a cute hat if we’re really committing to the stock photo version.
There’s nothing wrong with that kind of joy. I hope you get some of it, especially if there’s good lighting and nobody makes you twirl on command.
But joy doesn’t look the same for everyone.
That matters because many of us miss our joy, dismiss our joy, or assume we’re not very joyful simply because we’re looking for someone else’s version of it.
Your joy may not arrive as big excitement. It may come as a deep exhale when you finally feel at home in your own body. It may show up when you’re moving toward something bold and meaningful. It may find you in a conversation that goes somewhere real. It may rise when your mind opens, a new idea lands, and life feels full of possibility again.
None of those is better than the others.
They’re just different doorways.
Joy is personal
If you’ve been reading along, you know I define joy as the aliveness that rises when you live in alignment with who you truly are.
That means joy is not one-size-fits-all.
Of course it isn’t. We’re not all built the same way. We don’t all feel most alive in the same settings, with the same people, at the same pace, or through the same kinds of experiences.
Some of us feel joy through roots. Some through fire. Some through depth. Some through air and open space.
Once we understand that, our relationship with joy can grow more curious.
You are not boring because you don’t crave constant adventure. You may be an Earth Joy person who finds aliveness through presence, beauty, nourishment, and belonging.
You are not too intense because you light up around purpose, courage, and momentum. You may be a Fire Joy person whose inner flame needs something meaningful to move toward.
You are not too sensitive because surface-level connection leaves you lonely. You may be a Water Joy person who experiences joy through depth, emotional truth, and being truly seen.
You are not scattered because possibility excites you. You may be an Air Joy person who finds joy through curiosity, wonder, freedom, and discovery.
See how much kinder that feels?
Instead of asking, “Why don’t I enjoy what everyone else enjoys?” you can begin asking, “What kind of joy feels most natural for me?”
That question changes things.
Society tends to reward one style of joy
For many purpose-driven women, there’s another layer to this.
We’ve often been taught to value one particular style of leadership and aliveness: Fire.
Fire Joy is bold. It moves. It leads. It sparks action. It rallies the team, starts the thing, carries the mission, makes the call, and gets stuff done.
I love Fire Joy. The world needs it.
But somewhere along the way, many of us began to treat that kind of energy as the only way to be powerful, productive, or successful.
That’s simply not true.
Earth gets things done through devotion, consistency, care, and the ability to tend what matters over time.
Water gets things done through emotional intelligence, depth, intuition, and the ability to create genuine connection.
Air gets things done through ideas, perspective, curiosity, vision, and the ability to see possibilities others miss.
Fire gets things done through courage, clarity, momentum, and action.
Each style has wisdom. Each style has power. Each style has a way of contributing to joy, leadership, and meaningful progress.
When we only value one, we miss the gifts of the others. Sometimes we also start mistrusting our own native way of moving through the world.
That’s a costly mistake.
Your natural style is a doorway, not a cage
I created a What’s Your Joy Style Quiz designed to help you identify the style of joy that may come most naturally to you.
But I want to be clear about something: Your Joy Style is not a box meant to limit you.
It’s not a label that tells you who you’re allowed to be. It’s not a spiritual sorting hat. It’s not a reason to say, “Well, I’m Earth, so don’t ask me to try anything new,” or “I’m Fire, so rest is clearly not my thing.”
Nice try.
Your natural style is more like a doorway. It gives you an easier place to begin.
If Earth Joy is your doorway, your joy journey may begin with the sensory, steady, present things that nourish you. A walk outside. A good meal. A beautiful space. A rhythm that helps you feel grounded again.
If Fire Joy is your doorway, you may begin by asking what still lights you up. What feels brave, alive, energizing, or worth your full-hearted yes?
If Water Joy is your doorway, you may begin with emotional honesty and meaningful connection. Who helps you feel more like yourself? Where do you feel safe enough to stop performing?
If Air Joy is your doorway, you may begin with wonder. What are you curious about? What new perspective, place, idea, or possibility is asking for your attention?
The doorway matters because it gives you a place to start, but it isn’t where you have to stay.
You can honor your style and expand beyond it
This is the both/and piece.
Your natural Joy Style can be your home base, while the other styles can expand your range.
My husband Jim is a wonderful example of this. He’s an innovative, progress-oriented blend of Air and Fire Joy. He has great ideas, gets things done, and leads teams effectively. That energy is part of who he is, and it has helped him build a successful life.
Then we bought our mountain property in Colorado.
For the first time, I watched him really begin to value a different kind of joy. Not the joy of the next idea, the next project, or the next big push, but joy in the deep exhale of quiet, rest, nature, and peace.
What’s funny is that he’s still wildly productive when we’re at the cabins. Let’s not get carried away and pretend he’s just sitting around staring at pinecones all day.
But he has learned to value and even crave those grounded Earth Joy moments. They don’t erase his Air and Fire. They support them.
That’s how this works.
We don’t have to abandon our natural style to experience another one.
I’ve seen this in my own life too. I’m primarily an Air Joy person. I love adventure, curiosity, new ideas, exploration, and a good rabbit hole. My mind is usually wandering three steps ahead, asking questions and connecting dots.
But I’m happiest when my Air Joy is paired with Water Joy.
I need depth. I need real conversation. I need belonging. I need spaces where people can tell the truth without performing.
That combination is a big part of why I created the Elevate Your Joy retreats. They bring together exploration, both inner and outer, with intimate spaces for depth, connection, and honesty. We hike, reflect, learn, ask big questions, and make room for women to be real with each other.
That is Air and Water working together in a way that feels deeply joyful to me.
At a beta retreat, one participant had a beautiful realization about this same both/and relationship. Earth Joy is her natural style, and she had intentionally created a peaceful, grounded environment for herself. But she worried that tapping into Fire Joy to build her business might disrupt that peace.
During the retreat, something clicked.
She realized she didn’t have to choose. She could honor the grounded Earth Joy that helped her feel steady and also call on Fire Joy to grow something meaningful.
Both can be true. Both can belong.
That’s the point.
Joy expands when we stop making ourselves choose between parts of ourselves that were never meant to compete.
What gets in the way
One reason people lose touch with joy is that they try to force themselves into a style that doesn’t fit.
An Earth Joy person may think she should want more excitement when what she really needs is more rest, beauty, and grounding.
A Fire Joy person may try to calm herself into a life that looks peaceful from the outside but feels flat on the inside.
A Water Joy person may tell herself she’s too much when the real issue is that she’s spending too much time in rooms with too little depth.
An Air Joy person may judge her curiosity as restlessness when it may be one of the clearest signs of her aliveness.
We cause ourselves unnecessary suffering when we assume joy has to arrive in a pre-approved package.
Your joy may be quieter than someone else’s. Or louder. Or deeper. Or more spacious.
It still counts.
The question is not whether your joy looks right to someone else. The question is whether it brings you back to yourself.
A question worth asking
So here’s the question I’d love you consider:
What kind of joy have you been dismissing because it didn’t look the way you thought joy was supposed to look?
Maybe you’ve dismissed the quiet joy of routine because it didn’t seem exciting enough. Maybe you’ve dismissed the joy of ambition because it seemed too intense. Maybe you’ve dismissed the joy of emotional depth because you were told you were too sensitive. Maybe you’ve dismissed the joy of curiosity because it seemed impractical.
This week, pay attention to the moments when you feel even a little more alive, honest, grounded, open, or like yourself.
Don’t judge the form joy takes. Just notice it.
That noticing is where joy starts to become intentional instead of accidental.
Begin with your doorway
If you’re curious about your own natural style of joy, take the What’s Your Joy Style? Quiz.
It takes just a few minutes and will help you identify whether your primary doorway is Earth, Fire, Water, or Air. You’ll also receive a deeper guide to help you understand what lights you up, what tends to get in the way, and how to begin tending your joy in a way that actually fits you.
Then, if you’d like to go a little deeper, I host a free monthly webinar called Discover Your Joy Style.
It’s a warm, one-hour experience where we explore the four Joy Styles together. You’ll get to lean into the style that feels most natural for you and gently try on the others, not as a performance or personality test, but as a way to expand your capacity for joy.
Because your Joy Style is a beautiful place to begin.
It’s just not the only place joy can find you.
Take the free What’s Your Joy Style? Quiz →
Register for the next free Discover Your Joy Style webinar →
Joyfully,